Lately I keep getting dreams or visions in my mind about holding my own child. Just like any other guy I think about having my own family. I dream of looking into the eyes of a little baby boy who is resting in my arms looking so innocent and looking like me (poor kid lol). Then my mind brings me down to Earth.
I realize I would need a female partner to make that happen. I want to get married before we'd make a family of our own. The problem is that I'm worried it will never happen. I had a recent relationship that ended. I just think i'm too messed up to hold a relationship down. The worry is that I'm saying/doing something wrong and worrying about the other person. I don't think I can keep doing that. Then for it to perhaps work I'd really need to meet someone in my village who could see me everyday in person. There's very few ladies I know here, those I do already have boyfriends/husbands. Just seems so impossible. Maybe I'm just better on my own, like it's a sign or something. Perhaps i'm not meant to find that very special one. I've got too many issues with not going out, preferring just to stay in, getting depressed, missing things dmd steals away. That brings me on to my next point.
If you haven't guessed it's DMD. The actual mechanics of reproducing is extremely difficult when I haven't got the freedom of movement in my arms and any pressure around my knees hurts me. As well as other aches and pains I get and also my chest n breathing. That all leaves me feeling somehow less than 'human'. Everythings awkward with this disease. Lastly theres the genetics of the disease, any girls I potentially have would be carriers or worse if the mother turned out to be a carrier herself. Boys would be unaffected or have the disease spontaniously or via a carrier. Just seems so risky, my personal desire to make love and have children seems selfish if they got this very disease I struggle against and dislike so much.
Still though I get these desires just like every other guy.... My heart says one thing and the natural human desires are strong but my head and rational thoughts say another.