Sunday, October 4, 2009
If you dare come have a closer look, I smile because;
Cody stood for me today again. I pulled him to a standing position from his wheelchair, wrapping my arms around him, to help support his balance. While it was brief, a mere 10 seconds, I embraced the strength he found in his failing body. He beamed. His beautiful smile touched me so deeply.
As I sat him down again he excitedly said "see mom, I can stand for you". Yes he did. That was all I could ask for today and that was all I needed. Holding my beautiful 16 year old in my arms and looking into his brown round eyes. This was our now. Like every challenge Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD)brings to our lives we face each one together, when the time comes. Today it was standing.
Again, by God's grace I was given the tools I needed to lift, carry and care for my two youngest sons. There are only 15 pounds between my Cody and me. He stands 3 inches taller than myself at 5'3 and 112 pounds. In spite of his size, I can still manage to put him on back and carry him upstairs when needed. I am able to lift him from the floor in my arms. My brother in-law Tony recently has referred to me as freakishly strong. I feel empowered by those words. I am after all a single mom doing it all. I have no problem standing out from the rest.
Today before Cody and Josiah my 12 year old returned form their over night visit with their father. I spent sometime thinking about the news we had received earlier this week. I am so thankful at times like this I have my eldest son Zach to share in my joy. Hope has been given to us and it lingers in my mind constantly. My sons have been given an opportunity to participate in a trial drug study. While this is in no way a cure for their devastating disease, it does offer us hope. Hope that this drug will alter the progression of Duchenne (DMD) until a treatment or cure is found. That alone fills my heart with the joy of hope.
I know we are blessed. Not in the way that can be measured by money or material things. We know love, we know compassion. We share true and unconditional love. My boys are my life, my strength and in my weakest moments I have them and God to turn to. But as the longing for that something more invades me on lonely nights I have been haunted by the desire to fill my need as a woman.
The attraction for adult companionship, romance between a man and woman has brought another whole host of events into my life. As if I already do not have enough ups and downs I have been lured into the life of on-line dating.
Me, single mom of three, two with special needs, home owner, with income, searching for love after divorce. Faced with the hurdles of dating in her 40's. I made the first step creating my profile and putting me out there. Discovering I apparently do have the necessary physical attributes to make me a favorable candidate on the dating website. Finding dates are not the issue at hand. Making the connection from date to healthy happy relationship is. Past relationships presented me with the ability to learn and grow inside myself, but also leaves me wondering if I may be traveling to an unrealistic land.
The romantic in me wants so badly to believe in love and all that it is meant to be. The realist in me knows my journey with my boys will be one of great depths. That it will bring me to challenges and emotions few will dare to embrace. In my heart I long for the love that will hold my hand on the days that cast shadows. My mind draws an ever more clearer picture of me standing strong but alone.
Tomorrow I have emails to answer, dates to make or decline. Tomorrow Cody will stand a gain, be carried and need assistance with dressing, toileting all the little things most of us can do. Josiah will need help to stand and assistance available through out the day with many things. We will smile and be happy we have another day to try to get it right, which is to love each other.
Posted by Ra