Friday, May 7, 2010
On occasion I have to admit time off from Mommy duty is like being handed time in a bottle. Rare and priceless, for some of us. As women we embrace date night, girls night out or even just time alone relaxing. Times we look forward to and deserve. Divorce has certainly given me some well earned free time. But every now and then a weekend or night where I have no plans occurs and I feel at a lost to the world. I wonder who am I with out my children or a date to remind me of my existence on earth.
I hugged and kissed my two younger sons this evening as they went out the door to meet their father. A free night, I embraced and yet felt troubled by. Every other weekend I had child free. Somehow yet this night left me feeling, its not my children I embraced freedom from. Dateless and no gal pals to hang with I was free to write all night. Somehow still I felt isolated from the world.
A glass of Sangria, a bag red vines and two hours later I still stared blankly at over 30,000 written words in front me. Mother was not the subject of my book and I had no issues to share at present with the world. My Friday night was free from "Mommy duty". I could write all night about anything if I chose to and yet the word "Mother" screamed at me. Mother I said over and over to myself. The one thing I knew I was truly good at and enjoyed, beyond words. The one thing in my life that never let me down or abandoned me. The one job I knew that could reward me in ways I never dreamed. My only real love in the world.
How fitting I thought as I sat rereading my memoirs. Mothers day weekend and I am absorbed in the world according to Mom. After all I am expected to be super mom, able to do it all, multi tasking is nothing. I can provide financially for my sons, buy a home, put one son through college, manage vacations. Exhibit super human strength, lift and carry more than my weight, be fearless and still posses the qualities that make me desirable to date.
Some how this weekend night made me miss my own mother and the unconditional love she gave. The one and only true thing I knew I could count on growing up. I was giving my boys what my Mom gave me, love unconditionally. Love that gave with out needing, love that gave with out demanding. There truly is no love like a mothers love. With out mothers none of us would be here. As a mother I loved and needed my sons beyond anything this world could offer. While the words in front of me danced on my computer I smiled to my self, it was Friday night I was home alone writing. I did not have a date but I was home doing something I loved, writing. As my thoughts began to flow, my block lifted, I found me. I surrendered to Mother, I am she, the best thing that will ever happen to me. It made sense now, my mom was letting me know she was with me.
Mothers Day weekend -I can give my sons a day where all of me is absorbed in them loving me.