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Bereaved Parents

For those who have lost a child.

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Comment by Ana on April 28, 2009 at 10:31pm
Robyn those are beautiful words. I wish I could open myself to feel the same. The emptiness overwhelms me so much that I find myself crawling into bed and shutting the world out. Jeffrey's room is so empty - much like my heart. I miss him so much. Like you I know my angel is in heaven, but my heart wants him here with me. I want to hug him one last time, I want to tell him how much I love him one last time. I often sit and think - does he know how much I loved him (Jeff had autism as well and although he was really good boy I wonder how much he really understood). He said so much with his eyes. They were the windows to his soul. When I looked in his eyes I saw lights dancing and life being loved. Now my life is so empty. I try hard to feel happy and enjoy life - but I feel like I'm letting Jeff down. Almost like me being happy is wrong because Jeff is not here to enjoy life with us anymore. I know it sounds strange but it's how I really feel.

Gabriella had her sports day on Friday at school. I was in awe of her! She got a ribbon for every race she was in. I was so proud and happy for her. But my heart was so heavy. Wishing Jeff was there to enjoy the beautiful day with us. I could almost see his smile as his eyes locked on his sister. How he would follow her every move almost like he was encouraging her from his chair. My happiness was clouded by saddness. Or was it grief? I don't know. Both emotions are so similar it's hard to tell them apart.

My friends I say hello to all of you. And send you all warm hugs. I am feeling a little down heartened these days and I believe it's the thought of mother's day coming up that may have me feeling a little down in the dumps. I cannot celebrate mother's day in happiness without my Jeffrey sitting next to me having lunch and grabbing my arm. I used to call him slug. He was like my little slug. When he got a hold of my arm he used to ly on me with his head and not let me go. God how I miss those days!!!!!!!!!!!!1
All my love
Ana
Comment by Robyn Hoffman on April 27, 2009 at 8:22pm
Ana-
Even at this time when emptiness overwhelms me, I feel FULL- That is in knowing that Curtis is in heaven and having complete ease in that I did everything humanly possible in the years we were together!
God Bless you for reaching out right now.
Robyn
Comment by Ana on April 27, 2009 at 7:58pm
Dear Robyn - please accept my deep sympathy on the passing of your precious angel Curtis. Like Kimberly I like to think of our sons welcoming your son into heaven. Heaven has been blessed with another wonderful soul.

I loved the reading the article on the book you plan to write. It was beautiful! So was reading how peaceful Curtis was when he passed away. Curtis had a wonderful life and was well loved by his family. Your lives have all been blessed with this wonderful young man. His memories will live forever in your hearts.

May you all be comforted by the many wonderful memories Curtis left in your hearts.
all my love
Ana
Comment by Robyn Hoffman on April 27, 2009 at 11:26am
Thank you KIm-
My faith will get me through right now- God Bless.
Robyn
Comment by Kimberly Foernsler on April 27, 2009 at 11:09am
Robyn:

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Yet another one of our beautiful angels has entered the gates of heaven. I'm sure Curtis was welcomed by all of our young men that went before him. I'm saying a prayer for you and your family.

Kim
Comment by Mary Sahagun on April 5, 2009 at 4:32pm
I know the feeling Ana,

Since Kenny's passing, church has been hard to manage. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it but, the tears just run wild. I do however, feel so much better after going and feel like I have gained some strength. I've had to push myself beyond me, if I don’t I’ll just sit around and be totally consumed in grief. I think of it as... I must go through the valley in order to stand on the mountain. Those times in church when I am an emotional wreck, that is when the Lord has really spoken to me by way of a song, a sermon, a scripture or a vision. When I have been totally drained emotionally, that is when the Lord has stepped in and carried me. I am forever changed because of Kenny’s death … I guess my tears are just part of that change. I’m just thankful for kleenex and sunglasses. ; )

LOL, on the gray hairs, definate war wounds. I feel like I've aged five to ten years for sure.

XXOO,
Mary
Comment by Ana on April 4, 2009 at 9:58pm
Tomorrow is Palm Sunday. Happy Palm Sunday to everyone. One more week to Easter. I can't believe how fast time is marching by.

I looked in the mirror tonight and for the first time noticed time marching across my head. I have so many gray hairs! Where did they come from and what rock was I hiding under that I did not notice until tonight. War wounds - or is it natural highlights? I was washing my hair today over the basin - like I used to do with Jeff was here. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of missing him next to me. As I did not trust him alone I used to put the wheelchair in the bathroom with me. Jeff got a kick out of watching me put soap on my head. He would get so happy and loved to slap my head with the soap. I was so saddnedded by the realization that I will never have Jeff 'wash' my hair.

Today it was raining - soft drizzle rain. The kind that makes the earth fresh. If Jeff were here he would say to me 'see the rain please' and he would sit for hours at the front door just looking at the rain softly falling down. Gabriella and I like when it rains like this - we say that Jeffrey is watering the earth to keep the flowers and grass pretty. So in honor of my angel I opened both front & back doors and just let the outside in. Just watched the rain fall.

When we lived in the rental home - years ago when Jeff was I believe 7 - I remember Jeff watching the rain. I shoved him out the front door and he ended up in the front yard in the pouring rain. At first he was shocked and then I remembered a poem about dancing in the rain - and I grabbed both of his hands and danced in the rain. We looked up towards heaven letting the rain fall upon us and we laughed and laughed. I still remember that day as if it were today. Jeff was wearing a green tee shirt & checkered pants - he was barefoot and still walked so he had to be around 7. I told Gabriella the story today and she was fascinated. I then realized that I had never danced with her in the rain. I wanted to so badly but my heart was too heavy to push myself to do it. I waited for Jeff to push us out the door but that did not happen so I guess he was busy elsewhere playing or having fun.

Gabriella went to Palm Sunday Mass tonight (we go to church on saturday night rather than sunday) and she brought home 4 palms - one for all of us. I was so touched that she remembered her brother! I stayed home. I could not push myself to go. I am terrified this time of year as the song sung at Jeff's funeral 'on eagles wings' gets sung alot during this time of year. I cannot keep the tears from flowing when I hear that song. I sometimes run outside to catch my breath and people look at me like I've totally lost it. I then find it difficult to come back inside the church. This makes me terrified going to church now. Gabriella seems to understand that mommy is having a hard time and she accepts it. I'm dreading Easter Sunday. How in the world am I going to go through that day?????????????
Comment by Ana on April 4, 2009 at 7:38pm
Sharon - that was beautiful - yes most of us here are lucky - we were there when our boys came into the world and we were there when they took their last breath. Have any of you ever seen the movie Steel Magnolias? One of my all time favorite movies. In the movie Julia Roberts played the daughter of Sally Field who dies due to complications of diabetes. At the funeral Sally Field said 'as a woman I realize just how lucky I am as a mother I was there when that beautiful creature came into my life and I was there when she left'. That is a very powerful part of the movie. I saw it years before my son passed away and unfortunately can no longer watch that part of the movie. But it prepared me for what it would be like to stand over an open grave and watch my son's coffin being gently lowered into the earth.

Sharon you should not feel guilty about not going to Matthew's grave. I know it's hard. I go every day too. Set up a special place in your home or garden to 'visit' when you can't go to the grave. I do this several times during the day. I have a table with candles with 'Jeffrey' things on it and I have Jeffrey's special spot in the garden with a ceramic picture of Jeffrey surrounded by beautiful flowers and a little pond. I go there many times during the day and 'look' for Jeffrey in many places and things like the bees or butterflies or birds or even the wind gently caressing the leaves on the trees. Sometimes the weather is so cold that we cannot stay at the grave for too long. So I say hello and come home and light a candle and 'be quiet - with Jeffrey'. The light in his bedroom remains on. Thanfully his fan has 4 light bulbs and they never go out the same time! I see the light as Jeffrey's light still shining brightly. Be with Matthew every day in your heart. I have a friend Helen who lost her husband to cancer a few years ago. Her plot is opposite ours and I see it very empty with no flowers even during holidays. Helen told me recently that she never goes to the cemetery because she believes Rob is with her always. They were soul mates and I know she misses him deeply. But she does not feel that going to the grave completes her. At first I thought that was weird but the more I talk to her and the more she shares Rob I find myself amazed at how she's still connected to Rob even in death. I now think of Jeffrey as always with me. Not just at the cemetery but in my heart and all around me - his spirit is alive! And the cold grave cannot replace the warmth of my love for Jeffrey! So do not beat yourself up my friend. Matthew is with you always. As Mary's son Kenny said 'love me forever'. I cling to Kenny's last words so much.
be well my friend
Ana
Comment by Ana on April 4, 2009 at 7:25pm
Mary! I have that picture hanging over my desk and as I am sittting here typing I looked at the picture. I bought that picture last year. I purchased it on line and used my old USA address. I bought it in August 2008. By Sept I had thought it was gone and called the shop and mentioned my error. The lady said 'wait a while longer and if it does not turn up let me know and I'll send another'. Well by the end Sept I had forgotten all about the picture as I was so depressed getting my heart ready for Jeffrey's 1 year anniversary. We had a special Mass on Jeffrey's anniversary and came home. There up against our front door was a package when we returned. I had chills as I took the picture inside and ripped the box open. There before me was this glorious picture. Jeffrey being welcomed home by God's son Jesus. Was that not amazing? I received my long lost picture on the anniversary of Jeffrey's passing! Not only that Mass was at 7:30am. We got home about 8:10am - the time we were in the ambulance racing to the hospital. Almost the exact minute anniversary of Jeffrey's passing.

enough about that Mary. I loved that picture on your post here.

How did you 'celebrate' Kenny's second anniversary this year? I know it was just as rough as the first - if not rougher. I know your heart broke in a million pieces all over again and I imagine you thought about Kenny's last moments on earth. A mother's heart......... How large it is...... And how it heals and breaks over and over again.

Peace my friend.
Ana
Comment by Gisel Rivero on April 4, 2009 at 6:54pm
Sharon I could really understand what your going through right now. The day my Dylan Matthew passed he was having a great day! Of course he was in the hospital in the NICU cause he never physically came home, he was good until I held him and he just smiled at my husband and I for a second and then he began to cry he knew it was his time and it all happened so very very fast it was so crazy all I could do was hold him whlie the rest of my body shook I knew this was it, and like you said I was there in the begining and I was there at the end just as you were with your Matthew and they know we loved them so much and did all we could for them and that has to bring you comfort in her heart, mind ,and soul. It's been 9 months now and its still hard and YES I wish family and friends would mention Dylan Matthew but they dont, I guess they just don't know what to say or they think there doing me a favor by not bringing him up. So what I have learned to do is to just causally bring him up myself sort of as a hint that I need to talk about him. It works with my friends, but it doesn't go as well with my family since they were really banking on a miracle. You really need to find something to do with your time and I know it is much easier said than done. Maybe you could volunteer at a near by school, or church keeping busy has helped me alot. Granted Matthew will always be un your mind because Dylan Matthew never leaves mind but you will be keeping busy and the thoughts won't be as constant and agonizing. I am just sharing what has worked for me am pretty sure other things have worked for others, but one thing I learned the hard way you must talk about your feeling about Matthews passing. I did't for awhile and it got to the point that the only reason why I got up in the morning was because of my 3yr old David. Next thing I knew I was clinically severally depressed and its not a good place to be. So once again am just sharing what has gotten me through loosing my Little angel and this site really helps, and just know that we are here for you.
XOXO
Gisel
 

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